By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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