New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
