he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Randomize
