why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
