Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize