dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You've changed since you got that strap on
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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