I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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