my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
