I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
If I die, sorry about rent.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
