Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
