New low: just hacked my moms facebook
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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