i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
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