Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
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