I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
