Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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