i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
