I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You pole danced in your parka.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
