I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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