Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
