I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
