I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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