All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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