Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
