i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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