i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Randomize
