I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
