I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize