just come out here and I will go home with you...
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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