i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
