I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
