the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
