i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
So squirting runs in the family.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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