Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
Randomize
