I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
