new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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