Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
