I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
