everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize