I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize