My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
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