People in love make me want to vomit
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
