I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
