Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
