saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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