Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
