there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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