I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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