The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
