tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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