apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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