Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
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