There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
