She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
