the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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