i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize