i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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