Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
