I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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