So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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