Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
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