We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
