from now on my penis is your penis
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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