I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
