How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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