"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
